Yet anyone who’s read the Pokédex knows that there is nothing cute and cuddly about a lot of these creatures. Even as I write in my room with my Espurr and Duskull plushies staring down, I find it hard to fathom how disturbing a lot of the entries really are. With hundreds of contenders it’s difficult to compile a list of every red flag in the universe. But I am going to do my best to bring you a selection of the most lethal pets of the Pokémon Kingdom. And for each one I’ll include a snippet from its Pokédex entry just to prove my point. I will purposely be leaving out legendaries because I think it goes without saying we probably shouldn’t attempt to enslave Gods.
30. Drifloon
This adorable little Pokémon looks like an innocent purple balloon sporting a cloud toupee and little heart-shaped hands. What could possibly be disturbing about that? First off, they are closer to Pennywise than Mr. Mime with known connections to missing children. Although no one knows where these children end up, I think it’s a safe bet that these guys should be kept far away from school grounds and play yards.
29. Cacturne
If you have ever read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark as a child, you were probably traumatized by the vengeful scarecrow Harold. Well like the demented lawn fixture, this Pokémon is also considered a scarecrow that pretty much remains dormant until it attacks. It has sand for blood, and waits to make a move until its prey is exhausted… kind of like a vulture circling dying animals. Although I find the anthropomorphized cactus cute, even I can recognize that this is not the kind of monster you want to voluntarily bring with you as you journey to lands unknown.
28. Espurr
Espurr is one of my favorite Pokémon. Sso much so I keep a stuffed animal of one on my shelf. Still, even I have to admit that this Pokémon is one accident away from having a Carrie-esque meltdown and destroying everything in a 30 foot radius.
27. Dwebble
So this guy isn’t particularly deadly or disturbing. But it is super misleading. This adorable, cuddly hermit crab secretes liquid that can literally melt hard rocks? New flash: if it can melt rocks, it can melt flesh. And that is not exactly the kind of critter you want to be cuddling. Considering they like to be in areas near rocks it is more than likely you may trip into one by accident and agitate it.
26. Ariados
Personally I don’t have any issues with arachnophobia. But my stance would be quickly changed if spiders were suddenly over 3 feet long. The fact they meticulously wait for their “prey” to return to friends before scurrying up to them grudge-style and eating them will haunt me.
25. Roserade
As a Drew fangirl I’ve had some sort of Roselia evolution on my team since ruby. I always thought the concept of the rose-handed Pokémon was a little weird. But Roserade brought this species from a little dangerous to lethal. It went from “don’t try to pick my flower hands or I’ll defend myself” to “I will actively use my variety of lethal toxins to murder you.” Not what you would expect from a cute little flower.
24. Houndoom
This fire-breathing Doberman creates toxins when it’s angry and looks like it came straight out of the depths of hell. Although it certain can use this mix to “finish you” (Ultra Sun), the real horror of this is that the pain will never go away. What a fun power for your puppy to have.
23. Muk
In general, you probably shouldn’t be hanging around with a creature made out of literal poison. Muk is covered in a highly toxic… muck… that smells awful, requires bedrest, and destroys the fertility of the land. Cool stuff. From an economic standpoint, this would be a disaster. Imagine biological warfare just dropping these guys all over farmlands or something. Good luck getting rid of the pests destroying your farmland when you faint within smelling distance of this monster.
22. Cofagrigus
This one made it a little lower on the list because at least they have some sense of justice? Instead of preying on naughty children or lost travelers, these guys go after grave robbers and try to teach them a lesson. That’s all well and good, but they trap these guys and turn them into mummies which is a horribly disturbing concept. I don’t think I would feel comfortable traveling around with some anthropomorphic coffin with a Dexter mentality over theft. There is also something to be said over the fact these things trainers enslave to battle were once humans and retained the memories of their last life.
21. Pangoro
I don’t care how many times we watch Ash get electrocuted. A regular human being would not survive the force of one of these panda’s punches. With its strong stance against bullying (no joke, check out the entries from X and Omega Ruby) I can imagine how quickly this can go horribly wrong.
20. Toxicroak
A lot of Pokémon are loosely based off of real life animals. When a Pokémon resembles a real life animal that can already kill you, it’s probably best that you steer clear of the super hero counterpart. This giant battle frog has potent poison that can kill you if it scratches you. Which is pretty easy for it to do beings it’s part fighting type and has spikes on its hands. Real life poison dart frogs may be deadly, but at least they aren’t four feet tall and come into this world with an inert talent for martial arts.
19. Clawitzer
This thing has a jet more powerful than a speeding bullet. If this thing were to actually take aim at you, it would not just be a cute thing that you could laugh off. If you have ever had the pleasure of working with lobsters you’ll agree there is something unforgiving and merciless about them. I don’t know how thought it would be a great idea to literally hand a prehistoric, heartless cannibal a gun and make him a fun cartoon monster for kids, but he should really stay in the world of cartoons.
18. Oranguru
You may not think this Pokémon deserves being this high on the list. But think about it, this little guy does not belong in a Pokéball. These creatures are super intelligent, engaging in battles of wits, and throws Pokéballs! If there is anything people should have learned from all of those pet-chimpanzee mishaps is that some animals don’t belong under our captivity. I think it would be a dangerous mistake to suspect that you are ever fully in command of such a proud and smart Pokémon.
17. Wigglytuff
You are probably wondering, what could possibly be so dangerous about this adorable pink blob? Maybe at the surface it doesn’t seem so scary. But the deeper reality is a little disturbing. Once you touch it’s fur, you can`t stop. Imagine how much of your life would be ruined if every time you accidently brushed into your cat or dog it was physically impossible to stop. It isn’t as bad as getting mauled to death or set aflame. But it would certainly interfere with everyday life.
16. Swalot
This Pokémon is the living embodiment of gluttony. And this thing eats EVERYTHING including stuff that’s at its size or smaller. At around 5’7”, a typical Swalot is taller than me and a lot of other people. Somehow the idea of being maimed to pieces feels a lot better than being swallowed whole by this giant thing that continuously oozes poison.
15. Haunter
Haunter is one of the more recognized ghost Pokémon in the franchise. Unlike a lot of the other ghost Pokémon entries, it doesn’t leave much room for mysteries. No, this Pokémon either helps you vanish or just takes you away. Or it just kills you. What’s more disturbing is the fact that they do this by licking. Anyone who has watched the anime or played the games know that this little ghost does this a LOT. Knowing that its intention is murder, it makes him feel a lot more sinister than you’d think at first glance.
14. Mawile
Not only is Mawile out to kill you; she even tricks you into finding her cute. These jaws can “chew threw iron beams” according to the Pokedex in Black. So I wouldn’t count on escaping her any time soon. The more I go through the contenders, the more concerned I am with the fact that so many of them can just destroy metal. How do they keep anything safe?
13. Gardevoir
She may be the center of a lot of gross fanfiction, but having a close bond with Gardevoir isn’t all it’s cut out to be. Even a tiny black hole would just destroy everything in its path. You shouldn’t make black holes, it’s just smart science.
12. Camerupt
Camerupt is the creature you get when you take a volcano and stick it on the back of a camel. Sure, it might sound like a great battle Pokémon (and he looks harmless enough) but I cannot begin to stress the dangers of bringing a ticking volcano with you wherever you go. Not only does this thing erupt every ten years, but it also does it every time he gets angry. With an internal body temperature of 18,000 degrees F(about 10,000 C) I don’t even know if there’s anywhere to bring him where he wouldn’t melt the floor.
11. Hydreigon
This is not the kind of sentimentality you hope to get from a giant three-headed dragon. That kind of impulse with the fact that it is a dragon is a little terrifying. It attacks everything that moves with all of its heads (two of which are only superficial and serve the purpose of destruction). “Brutal” is not how I want to describe my companion.
10. Dragalge
When a Pokédex entry uses things like “vicious” or “poison strong enough to eat through the hull of a tanker,” you really need to second guess whether or not you should really go fishing for this guy. It even states that there are legends about ships going out into their territories and never returning. With the help of weapons like Clawitzer, Pokémon would devastate the fishing industry. With the ability to melt through ships and the aggressiveness to attack “indiscriminately” there’s not anything you could do to even get close to them. I think we forget how scary of a world it would be if Pokémon were actually real.
9. Doublade
This guy doesn’t need any real reason into why it’s on the list. It is a literal telepathic pair of swords. The anime (and my dreams) always just had this idea that the Pokémon were your pets(or partners if we’re being extra PC). How am I supposed to hug that? To add to the fun, this is also a ghost Pokémon which I think this list has already showed is a no-go. This thing can shred their enemies to ribbons. That paints a picture a little more intense than just making enemies faint.
8. Koffing
The emblem on Koffing’s chest is a big warning sign. Sure, a dedicated trainer can possibly get used to life with Koffing via an expensive ventilation system or succumbing to living forever with a gas mask. Is there any way to prepare for life with an animal that literally blows up without any warning? Come to think of it, one has to wonder what becomes of Pokémon that self-destruct in an uncensored would….. With moves like toxic, smog, and explosion, maybe it’s better to leave this living bomb off of your team. Or at least keep an eye on it every so often.
7. Electrode
Two living bombs in gen 1? Kanto is probably not the place to let 10 year old kids run around with nothing but an electric mouse to protect them. Nevertheless, this Pokémon earned a spot above Koffing because, not only does this guy blow up without warning, but he also does it for fun. What a neat pet to have. To make matters worse, they feed on electricity and can cause blackouts just from this behavior. Sounds like a good time in my book.
6. Krookodile
I have seen enough crazy Florida Man headlines to know that crocodiles didn’t need any extra powers to be dangerous. Well the Pokémon universe decided otherwise, giving Krookodile better planning skills, greater sight, and jaws powerful enough to press a car into an aluminum cube. Considering it can spot prey up to 30 miles away, if it wants to kill you, it will.
5. Gliscor
At least with the other contenders on the list you can try to avoid them. A soundless creature that stalks the shadows in the middle of the night is not going to give any kind of warning before it gets you. If you dare to keep one as a pet, I’d recommend putting a bell on it.
4. Charizard
I like Charizard as much as the next guy. But I think we can all admit that giving a child a temperamental, fire-breathing lizard isn’t the smartest move. It really lives up to its Pokédex entries since it can literally melt through boulders. And although it says it would never hurt a foe at a lower level, I still have my reservations over frolicking around with an animal which has the abilities to cremate me at will. Personal health aside, I would also be concerned that it’s been known to set up forest fires, sometimes by accident. For the safety of society this guy is best left in our imaginations.
3. Mimikyu
Poor Mimikyu just wants to be loved. And that makes the reality even sadder. Everyone knows that looking under its cloak will result in death, but it really tries its best to make sure its body is never seen. It is even said to resist people violently if anyone tries to sneak a peek. The sad fact is that it can accidently happen anytime. Imagine how dangerous it is to live near one of these. Everything’s all fun and games until there’s a little wind and then you die. Lord knows how, but apparently that’s how it’s going down.
2. Chandelure
What could be worse than your pet actively trying to kill you? Well apparently some Pokémon possess the ability to damn souls as well. So that’s fun. Like most ghost Pokémon, Chandelure’s Pokédex entries suggest that these guys are actively trying to hurt you. But your suffering won’t end after these little haunted lamps devour your spirit. Following your demise you will be forced wandering the afterlife forever. And that leads us nicely into the #1 spot…
1. Gengar
There is a special place in my heart for Gengar as I had one on my original team and I find him super cute. There is also a special place in my heart for any Pokédex entries suggesting that a particular Pokémon used to be a human is now just our little battle slave. We’ve already discussed Haunter’s deadly intentions, but I find Gengar a little more disturbing as the collective Pokémon entries paint a dangerous and sinister picture. Following lost travelers, hiding and manipulating shadows, and laughing the entire time? “Even your home isn’t safe” (Ultra Moon). I love you, but in real life? No thank you.
